An hour later, I ran downstairs to grab something in the car when I heard yelling. It was faint, but as I walked closed, a woman opened the door screaming back into the apartment. I literally shuddered, not because I’d never seen such angry outbursts, quite the opposite. When she walked back in the apartment, shutting the door with every angry part of her and I shuddered even more.

This was a way of life for my ex and I for way too long in the past. Anger may as well be a muffler or silencer for the thoughts and feelings we try to communicate. This meaning that anger is a muffler that does severe damage to our heart and soul, while nothing is communicated. There is a better way than to say it screaming and yelling.

Besides, how many of us can really remember the fights we had in the past and what they were about. People who live in this violent (yes violent, as angered outbursts are violent, I mean, they’re not nurturing, are they?) behavior are in a cloud of emotions that trigger easily. The best way I have learned how is to get out of the situation, even if it’s for a little while to gather one’s self and become rational again.

Even a couple days will help, but a retreat is essential. Otherwise, we risk the slow deterioation of our hearts and souls. We and the ones around us, all deserve healthy. And violent communication is not one bit healthy.

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We might as well pay rent to Facebook for living there 24/7. You might not, but i definitely was living there 24/7. It stole so much of mental space, that was how I found out my news there. Really, taking back that mental space now, how messed up is it to find out news through a friend, instead of a news station who has an actual reporter there.

People transform to suddenly be themselves, usually their worst raw selves, as they pay their rent to Facebook. Complaining about driving, having to wait in line (gasp), or a business making a mistake. Your world, your rules, your reality is how it goes. Me, me, me, me, me.

But what happened to mankind, to solidarity, to humanity, everybody wait their town, and…PATIENCE. I mean can we even spell that? Patience. Patience. Breathe it again… P-a-t-i-e-n-c-e. So I stopped paying my rent and hit ‘deactivate’. I hit ‘deactivate’ twice just to make sure I was set free. And a huge burden was gone. It was like daylight savings, I got an hour back. Now I have time and focus for my son, quality f2f time with adults. And lookie here, a post where I can try to make a difference with my gift of writing! I’d say that goes a whole lot further than a ‘like’ and reading all my 1000 friend’s ruminating updates.

Deactivate! You’ll remember this thing called life.

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He does do amazing things like help move me all by himself, shine and wax my car every week, and cook for me all the time! But he does NOT listen to me, always thinking he’s right and not respecting it when I ask him for space. When I asked him for space, his idea of space was to text me all day, send me random pictures of his nephews that I’m close to, and to tell me all day, over and over that he loves me! He comes over at random times to bring presents for my mom and nephews. I feel like I can’t breathe. I tell him every day that he does not listen to me, I end up yelling my head off in frustration and he still doesn’t get it.

He thinks I have an anger problem, but who wouldn’t be angry if they weren’t getting the space they need! I need that to recharge and get down time, but he thinks I’m being selfish and not wanting to spend time with him. I can’t spend every waking moment talking to and texting this guy. My sister asks me what I love about or even like about him, and asked me if I’m a masochist to stay with this time and time again. Am I? Don’t all couples run into these kinds of issues? Is there anything wrong with asking for so much alone time?

ARIANA:

Well, does he have a twin? Of course I’m asking for myself! Because I want to make sure he gets nowhere near me. I would suffocate if I got that much ‘loving’. I got things to do besides look at clouds and dream of and with my love every day! He even knows when it’s time for business for me, it’s business! I retreat into a black hole to write these spiffy replies! I definitely don’t need his love swarming over me while I’m writing in order to feel loved or inspired. The strength in relationships come when you are a better self, even when they’re NOT around.

Someone who doesn’t know how to respect another’s space or ‘bubble’ tends to be very N-E-E-D-Y and insecure. True love should make someone feel fulfilled and confident, like the way you feel after you eat a buffet, minus the sleepy part. Just having your loved one’s presence beside you, whether talking or not, should give you wings to fly! On the other side of the token of having space, is that when people are in love, they tend to WANT to be around their significant other. You even called yourselves a couple but then talked early on about being on a break. You gotta know what you want from this guy.

And really, write a list of 10 or 5 or at least 3 things that you love about him. I’m guessing talking and listening won’t be on that list! And maybe you are a masochist, maybe you like to repeat yourself, and maybe you just want someone around whether or not he fills that love tank of yours! Sounds more like he knows how to throw a match in that love tank and set it bursting into flames. Listening is a HUGE factor in successful relationships. You guys might as well not talk if he’s not gonna listen, unless you just like listening to yourself get angry about the same thing over and over. If you want space, put your foot down and demand it, you’re entitled to it! And you should probably find some online masochist test to see what’s going on there for you, can’t help you in that area, unfortunately, my vast knowledge doesn’t span there!

Some girls operate on the premise (consciously or unconsciously) that they can change a guy. But if the guys are insecure and needy, those are issues he (or any girl, for that matter) need to work out themselves. That’s something Mr Bubble Popper needs to be strong in BEFORE he can be try to provide your needs. We can’t give what we don’t have. If you really want to do what’s best for you, then distance yourself and let the guy go. Personally, I always like it when I can breathe, it’s very comforting! Go for your needs and don’t look back, obviously right now he’s not helping in that department!

Austin, 36, GA

I never thought I’d be in such a unique situation like my current dating situation. I’ve been dating this guy for a year, but we’re not committed. From ‘normal’ dating rules, we look hopeless and pointless. My best friend’s boyfriend even made me question myself last week, when he told me I was too old to be my lover’s booty call. It got to me.

But last night when I took off last minute to go to the bar with my best friend where we talked about all the guys I’m dating, I realized our unique dating situation allows me the freedom to let others be a priority without someone breathing down my back. My lover doesn’t make demands of me like past guys who wanted the same but without the commitment.

I need the transition, I would say I fall under the category of a noncommittal girl. No problems being a ‘girlfriend’, but my limits are many. Neither my lover nor I expected to be where we are today. But when I made a list yesterday all I’ve learned from him, I realized following dating rules or not, he has helped make me a better person and had been a good influence on me.

I wanted to share this amazing list. So regardless of an official relationship status change from ‘single’, I am being true to my heart, not just looking for that next relationship. And no matter if we end up together or not, I know my transition from single life will be a healthy one:

** Marines. He was the first Marine I ever dated, shattered the stereotypes I’ve heard of them as he is a humble, sweet, caring man
** Privacy. He taught me to value my privacy as he hid his identity in the beginning because he was a son of a very wealthy and powerful man in his hometown
** Chill. I learned not to worry so much, count up how many texts I didn’t get or how many hours betwen texts
** High standards for marriage.  We both agreed not to settle just to get married or rush in to be married.   
** Don’t need.  I don’t NEED anyone. And neither did he
** Patience.
** Making love was important than being a freak.
** Innocence can be regained.
** Day by day.  Take it day by day with no expectations.
** Apart or together, true love will grow.
** Selfless love.  We have selfless love and caring for each other, whether if we end up with each other or someone else.

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He was the best I’d ever had.  He was the best lover, like a best friend, and the best protector I ever had.  The only problem was that I was with my soon to be fiance when we had our brief love affair.  Well, technically my soon to be fiance and I were on a break for a few weeks when he had to travel for work and went to Mexico for vacation.  

Conveniently, my boyfriend ‘forgot’ to stay updated with me those few weeks, so I took it upon myself to finally accept my friend’s offer to be my lover.  I know I’m wrong for what I did, but I decided to ‘try’ out my friend one last time.  He and I had always been attracted.  We had an amazing connection the one night we got a little drunk and slept together (before my boyfriend). 

But for those few weeks, it was amazing.  We let ourselves go and trusted each other with everything.  We bonded and shared a lot of ourselves.  We couldn’t stop texting and calling each other.  It was thrilling and exciting.  We had so much intense desire.  He was even a great protector looking out for me when we were together in public and when people would upset me.

My boyfriend came back and of course, we made up.  He was the one, I knew it in my heart.  I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and being his wife.  I am just young and was having some fun with my friend.  I was wrong for it, but that’s what I told myself.  I knew I couldn’t continue my love affair with my like best friend.  In fact, I knew I had to cut it off.

I saw my like best friend one last time and told him I had to cut things off.  We both had sad looks in our eyes, but we knew we couldn’t be together.  We walked away and I haven’t heard from him in months.  But yesterday, I saw a missed call from him.  I decided to ignore it and I completely shut that door.  I was now engaged and we’ll be married in a few months.  I’ll never forget him, but all I want is to focus on my fiance with our future.  I had my fun, but my fiance is my future.

Amber, 28, TX

My boyfriend is a little on the jealous side, which is fine.  I don’t mind him being jealous.  It’s just when we have a fight about it (when he’s drunk usually), it gets to be too much to bear.  For girls night out, all (10 of them) of my girlfriends planned an outing to see Magic Mike.  Yeah, it’s a movie about male strippers, but it was a movie.  I hardly call it cheating.  So I didn’t think it was a problem.

Well, I brought it up to him, he tripped out and got angry.  I hung up on the phone and I was frustrated.  I mean, I had married girlfriends that were going to watch the movie.  I wanted to know what all the hype was about and I wanted to have my girls night out, dammit.  I called him back and tried to convince him.  Then he told me if I went that he would go to the strip club.

I thought he was going a little overboard with his talk about going to a strip club, but somehow he talked me out of going to the Magic Movie movie later that week.  The closer the girls night out came and the more I talked to my girlfriends, I got more and more tempted to go.  I mean, really, I think he was going overboard.  I mean, how many movies out there have naked or almost naked girls running around.  Plenty!  Exactly! 

So, I lied and told him I was going to watch Spiderman while the girls watched Magic Mike.  But, NO!  That’s right, I walked straight into Magic Mike and had my seat.  I don’t feel bad about having lied about it, but really, I was entitled to see it.  And he was ridiculous with his talk of a strip club.  The mere talk of the strip club probably pushed me to do what I did.  But, I don’t regret it and if he wants to just find a reason to go to a strip club, he can be my guest.  He just shouldn’t expect me to stick around with his attitude. 

Rachel, 36, FL

I’ve come a long way from when I was dating my ex.  He cheated on me, but I gave him another chance.  I became jealous 24/7 because he hid everything from me, even dancing with other girls in front of me when we were on ‘breaks’.  We had constant fights and arguments about it at least every other day.  I hated the blood boil feeling.  It got to the point with my ex that I lived that jealousy, unaware of how it tore me apart.

Now, I know better than to feel that way cause it is a sucky ass feeling and if a man gives me a reason to feel that, I don’t need to be with him.  The guy I have been dating and I saw each other at the club, and we danced with other people. It was cool cause I know how he feels about me, and vice versa.

At the end of the night, we ended up at the after club together. So, at the end of the night, he was with me, and that was what mattered.  I’m done with the blood boil feeling and it feels good to not have a reason to be jealous.  This is healthy and this is where I need to be. 

Cassy, 24, IA

I don’t know where to start with this desperate guy.  And I do mean desperate.  I’ll summarize the beginning.  Boy liked me at club, boy talked to me.  Boy’s friend decides to talk to my cousin.  We say bye bye to boy and boy’s friend.  We’re outside of club, I see boy and boy’s friend.  Boy’s friend is crying, going on and on about his ex-wife.  My cousin and I nicknamed him ‘Gillette’ because he was so sensitive for crying in front of girls he didn’t even know.

We all went to eat afterwards.  Boy never called me.  Gillette called my cousin.  He was needy with never ending text messages.  She didn’t dig him.  Now a few weeks later, we were out, ran into Gillette and then he tried to hit on me.  I’m down for friends and just getting to know someone slowly.  But Gillette was needy, never leaving my side and again, talking about the ex-wife. 

He sent text messages to my cousin asking if he was wasting my time.  In my head I was thinking ‘YES!!!!’ But really, this guy needs to get things in order before he dates.  One, he needs to get over the ex-wife and stop talking about her.  It go to the point I felt like I’ve met the lady.  Two, I am not leftovers baby.  Three, chill out, needy is not a good look.  I am not one of those girls who needs a man who is needy because I won’t act that same way back.  If a guy is going to come to me, he’s got to come right.    

Erica, 32, CA

I met a guy last weekend at the club and he seemed nice enough.  He actually gave the impression he was a kind person, so I gave him a chance.  We went out to a late night restaurant after the club and we hit it off.  He wasn’t too touchy and we had some good laughs. 

Before the end of the clubbing night, he got my number and asked me to come out to the same club next weekend with him.  He was actually making a date with me a week in advance.  He said he wasn’t drunk that night but we only texted a few text messages the next day.  The next day again we only texted a few text messages.  I was starting to doubt a date was going to happen, but my friend convinced me to wait it out.

Yeah, I did wait it out.  On Thursday, almost a week, I finally sent him this text and had this exchange:

• Me:  Just sayin hi.  I hven’t heard from u in a while so I was assuming we weren’t meeting up this weekend.  Either way, lmk. =)
• Him:  Sorry I’m not gonna be able to go this weekend my uncle from Hawaii is coming to visit so I’m a chill with him
• Me (adding to his text and thinking in my head ‘Uh yeah..ok’):  And then my dog died and my cat needs a transplant.  And I forgot my fish needs to be transported to cuba.  and my plants need to be watered after I get my hair did

I didn’t really send that last text but I was tempted to.  Blah blah blah.  Can we just stop with the excuses and being ignored sucks.  I laugh about it, but what can I do.  I know, I’m going to go hang out with my uncle from Russia who has a Cuban fish, Swiss dog, and a 6 legged cat.  Hah!  C’mon boys, give it to me straight, I’m a big girl!  But, the better question is, are you a big boy?

Tammy, VA, 31

I am so sick of my boyfriend and his constant fight picking over Facebook. I am a model and do a lot of implied nudity photography shoots.  He’s known about my job since he’s met me, but he still gets jealous.  I have a Facebook fan page and he gets jealous of the comments from guys.  This is my job, but he still insists on commenting back to guys who make comments (sometimes dirty) about my nudity.

Even when we spend time together, he brings up all the different comments and how much it bothers him.  I told him I was going to defriend him because it was just getting too much.  I’m a chill person and like to relax.  I’d much rather be doing other things than fight about my work as a model.  I mean, what other options do I have when we constantly fight over Facebook and he always gets jealous. 

Other than that, he’s a great boyfriend.  He doesn’t grasp the concept of my nudity in my photography shoots, and that’s a big problem.  I wish he could be more supportive and understand he can’t change me or what I do for work.  Hopefully this Facebook defriend helps our relationship out.  If not, a life defriend may be in order!

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