Random Q & A (Part XII)
QUESTION #1: I’ve been dating this great guy, he’s treated me the best of any guy before. I honestly was downright treated like shit, now that I see how well he treats me. When I don’t hear from him much because of work or he’s just busy, my insecurity kicks in. I start to question him and he gets upset because he feels like he’s doing something wrong. How can I stop being so insecure? How can I stop my past from making me think the worst?
To be honest, the psychological effects of a previously negative relationship can cause you to carry over resentment into your current relationship. It is definitely a great thing that you have found someone that treats you the way you deserve to be treated. There are a few questions that you need to ask yourself.
The first question is, what happened in your last relationship that caused you to be insecure? What exactly did this guy do that you did not like? By examining this in detail, it will help you isolate past issues. It will also make you aware of what you don’t want happening in your current relationship. The second question is, are you mentally ready to be dating? The reason I ask this is, sometimes, if you have little recovery time between, you will have tendencies to compare your new man to the previous. This sometimes allows you to take out previous issues on your current partner. And most likely, your current partner is not doing these things.
There are a couple of things to help remedy your insecurities. The biggest thing is to remember that this guy treats you very well, as you said, ‘the best of any guy before’. I’m not sure how long you have been dating. But regardless, he seems very genuine, respectful of you, and knows how to take care of a woman. Remember to keep these things in mind and it will help to ease your mind a little bit.
Once you isolate the reasons that you were insecure with your previous partner, another help tip would be good to discuss this with your new partner. Coming from a man, to help us understand, it is very important to have things explained to us as best as you can. We are definitely not good at reading women or their minds, thus making it difficult to tell what exactly what we are doing wrong. I have been dating my girlfriend for nearly three years and still don’t know I have done something wrong until she explains it to me. So, I doubt your new guy will, especially if you have been dating for a short amount of time.
As far as schedule, just try to be flexible and understanding. Depending on his job, his work days could just be absolutely nuts and his schedule might be ridiculously unstable. The worst thing you can do is accuse him of avoiding you or start to question his whereabouts. Remember what happens when you assume things. Having said this, it is also a good idea to talk about his work schedule, so you get a feel for what it is like. Rule of thumb: if it sounds sketchy, it probably is!
If it sounds like something is going on behind your back, check it out and ‘investigate’. By investigate, I don’t mean search through his phone or hack his facebook/emails. I mean consistently ask questions about what is going on or how his night was. If he always has the same story with no variation, it means that he is probably telling the truth. If there is small details that stand out or you don’t recall him saying the first time, it means he is probably hiding something. By asking questions, it doesn’t mean you are actually investigating. But rather, it shows ‘you care about him and how his night was’. While at the same time gathering critical information for your own well-being. The way I KNOW this works is because it has worked on me!
It is ok to be a little insecure. I mean, heaven forbid that we ACTUALLY protect ourselves when dating by questioning our partners. Having said that, just be sure not to take your insecurities to the extreme because you could end up costing yourself a great relationship with a guy that obviously treats you great. Hope Slick Rick has been able to help and good luck with everything!
QUESTION #2: I’ve been dating a military guy, what behavior and actions would you want to see out of your woman when you get busy at work, have a crazy schedule, or deploy?
ADAM (Guest Writer):
I, myself, am in the military, I expect the person that I’m with to be understanding when I’m busy at work, have a crazy schedule, and/or deploy. I expect that person not to focus on the time we don’t have together. But to embrace and cherish the time we do have together. I also expect her to be supportive and to allow me to not only hear that she’ll be there for me. But will also show me that she’ll be there for me. Being in a relationship with someone that’s in the military is a lot harder than people think. So I expect the person I’m with, to be mature enough, understanding enough, and supportive/caring enough to handle it.
QUESTION #3: I’ve been hanging around my best friend’s sister and we’re really getting along. We confide a lot in each other. And a few weeks ago, we talked about how we’re interested in each other. Now, she started talking to me about the dude she’s been dating on and off. It’s awkward, but I have an open mind, so I’ll listen. She’s asking me for advice, but I honestly can’t give an unbiased opinion. How do I tell her that?
I’m going to get straight to the point with you, bro. Before you even go and get cozy with this chick, you better make sure it is cool with your best friend. The worst thing that you could do is to start ‘falling’ for your best friend’s sister. If anything goes wrong, not only do you lose the girl, but now you jeopordize your friendship with your best friend.
Now, on to the woman troubles. First, how much have you two talked about your feelings for each other? I ask this is because, if this is a new development and your friendship with her brother has been good friends for a while, you might already be in the friend zone. The fact that she talks to you about other guys leads me to think this much. When most girls bring up dating other guys and ask you for advice, it typically means that she thinks of you as ‘he’s like a brother to me’. Once you get in this position, it is very, very difficult to get out.
If you want to find out, no matter what the answer is, you have to be straight up with her about how you feel about her. Don’t wait until she asks you for advice on the next guy; you have to act before this! The more guys she talks about, the further down the list you go. My best opinion to do this is, to ask her to lunch or somewhere casual for both of you. Explain to her that you have developed an attraction to her. If she says she is not interested, you will either need to delete these feelings or harness them in such a way that it doesn’t make it awkward for anyone.
Tread lightly. But when discussing it, lay your feelings on the table and don’t hold anything back. Don’t wimp out. At the same time, don’t be too overbearing. Just tell her that no matter what, things will be cool whether or not you develop a relationship or just remain friends (as long as this is a TRUE statment).
*I mean who knows; she could be having the same feelings about you and just doesn’t want to be awkward by bringing it up*
The insecure young lady, took the advice, and was engaged six months later. The girl with the military boyfriend ended up not being able to handle the pressure of a military relationship and he is now happily married to a young lady he met shortly thereafter. She is still single and regrets every day she wasn’t patient and strong enough to make it work out. And lastly, after talking about his feelings to his best friend’s girlfriend, she did not return the same feelings. Their friendship ended there, but he still maintains a close relationship with his best friend.