Only the Committed
I’m not the best boyfriend, in fact, I think I’m one of the worst. I dated a girl 4 years ago for 4 years and I caused her so much hurt and pain from my selfishness. She got hospitalized for overdosing on some pain meds after we had a fight. That was just the culmination of the relationship. I’m a nice guy and I try not to hurt people, so I was traumatized and haven’t let myself get into a relationship. If I could take away all her hurt I would, but I wouldn’t take back mine because it made me a better person. Then I even fell in love with a girl friend in Marine office training school and she gave me an ultimatum to say we had a future or tell her to marry her boyfriend. I couldn’t do it and I told her to marry him. Now she’s married and I realized what a mistake I made. Now, I’ve met a lovely young lady that connects with me in so many ways. It’s like she’s my compliment but alike with me in so many ways. She is one of the most loving girls. I know she would be good to me but I can’t do it again. I tried to leave her, but somehow we’re always drawn to cross each other’s path! I freaked out when she told me she got anxious about her party later that day (my ex had anxiety). I wanted to stop while I was ahead. Then we ran into each other the next week at the local club and she confronted me. I told her exactly that, but when I looked and told her I like her as a person and said her name, I knew I still wanted her. I walked out with her and she walked to another guy. He and another guy kissed her. The competitive guy in me couldn’t stand it, so once they were all gone, I walked her to her car. She wanted to go home with me, but I stuck to my guns. I checked to see if she got home okay and I told her I wished she was with me. But I had to pull back again, she was better off without me. She messaged asking for answers and I ignored it. I saw her 2 weeks later at the club and couldn’t resist anymore. So I brought her home and it was a memorable night, one that scared me because I couldn’t fall for her. So when she called me afterwards, I made a final attempt to push her away by being an extreme jerk saying every mean thing I could. I felt horrible throughout it. She messaged a few days later and being the smart girl she is, she figured out what I was trying to do. I can’t hurt someone else again like I did before, but I lost one love. I don’t want to lose another. What should I do? How do I make sure I don’t hurt her? How can I ever win her back after how I pushed her away? I don’t know what’s best to do.
Wow, dogs can sniff fear and if you had some around you right now, they would all be hovering toward you. The past is the past. Let me say that again, the past is the past. Far too often, we punished ourselves for our past selves, but regardless of what it is, we make decisions to the best of our ability given the information we have. If not now, one day, you will have to forgive yourself if you’re ever to move on and have a healthy relationship. I don’t know how many losses it will take to get you there, but the sooner you get there, the better for you. You deserve to be happy, I know you don’t believe it. But EVERYONE deserves to be happy. You’re so afraid of destroying something that you don’t realize that you can create something far better than you have ever had in your life. Yes, for every strong man out there, there is a strong woman right behind him supporting and standing behind him. And if you’re a Marine, it’s even more so a good thing to have a woman standing behind you. And I’ll let you in on a secret, you will hurt her or any other woman in a relationship, period. We will always get hurt in any relationship we have, from friends to family to romantic. We can’t avoid it. And surprisingly, the ones we hurt bounce back. And if you are into the girl as much as you sound like you are, then if you do hurt her, which is most times not on purpose, you apologize, work it out, and get stronger through the experience. If you can come to grips with taking a chance, then go for it. But, if you can’t, then keep staying away like you’re doing and stay away. I know you resisted for a while, but you broke eventually. And instead of going forward with the passion, you ran, again. Should you decide you are ready to pursue her and not lose another love, then you should be prepared to stay. You’re a Marine, you are the first to go in and the last to leave. It’s no different this time. You have to commit to being there and ride the ups and downs, because there will be those. You can’t run. You can run all you want, but it will catch up to you. And when it does, it won’t be pretty. You hurt the girl with your games of ignoring and acting like a jerk. Games have no place in healthy relationships. As vulnerable as it may be for you, talking things out and being straight up is how you get it done. If you love her like it sounds like you do, you can stop trying to protect her from you and be the one to protect her. I’m hoping for the best for you, but it’s going to take commitment and hard work. If she’s worth it, which it sounds like she does, then you have a reason to do it. But, I’ll tell you this, if you lose another love again, life doesn’t have guarantees, you may not ever see one again. Life is short, if you close your eyes too long, you’ll miss out on it.